


The Chronicles of Tobey Maguire

by marvelatmymajesty



Category: Ace Attorney, Ant-Man - Fandom, Autobots - Fandom, Blade Runner, Crackfic - Fandom, Madonna - Fandom, Rupaul’s drag race, Spider-Man - Fandom
Genre: Crack, F/M, just crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-09-20
Packaged: 2020-10-24 13:34:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20706842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marvelatmymajesty/pseuds/marvelatmymajesty
Summary: A self indulgent bible study it's Britney bitch crackfic.Written by my good friend, beta'd and posted by me.





	The Chronicles of Tobey Maguire

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tobey was a lizard like any other. A god of chaos, a putrid mistress of slime. He's killed God like 8 times (if you ask nicely he'll even show you the t-shirts). 

But today was different. Instead of shifting to human form, he kept on staying a lizard (monitor lizard if you’re curious). 

Danger was near.

"TOBEY-CHAN WHAT’S WRONG?!??!??!??!??!!??" says Digorno. She was a REAL WOMAN (she does NOT have a penis). She's also Tobey's wife.

Tobey screeches out lizard noises.

"NUUUUUUUU TOBEY !!!!!!!! U CANT ANIMORPH BACK!??!??!??!!!!?"

Tobey makes scared lizard noises and starts flopping around, like he's having a seizure.

"OWO!!!! I KNO WHO 2 CCALL :3"

Digorno sissies her walk over to the Emergency Carrier Pigeon™.

"YEET!  🐛🐜♥️💞✨ " She says, throwing the Emergency Carrier Pigeon™— thank God she's fluent in emoji.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Madonna wasn't expecting any Emergency Carrier Pigeon™ right now. This could only mean one thing.

"Sweet Jesus God oh no oh lord!!!!!!!!!!! She's back!!!!!!!!!!"

The blonde starts running, tripping over her gown.

"Fuck this dress!" She cries, as she rips the white tulle, the iconic dress turning into a bodysuit.

Madonna fucking yeets herself out of the window, noclipping into tobeys house.

"THWANSK GWOD UR HEWEE!!!!!!!!" Digorno sobs. 

"Get out of my way, WENCH."

Madonna jumpsplits down next to the thrashing lizard.

"Tobey……. Listen 2 me……..” she whispers, before breaking out into song: 

“Let's ride,

Let's ride,

Let's ride,

Let's ride,

Lavender Lamborghini, roll up in a blue bikini

Bitches on the beaches, lookin' super cute and freaky

All my friends are princesses, we keep it whipped and creamy

Ice cubes on our tongues, because we like to keep it freezy

Lavender Lamborghini, get out on the right side

Chauffeur stayed at home, because my girl wanted to ride

Lookin' luxe and tastin' plush, I'm feelin' so alive

Want to take it to the highway, come on, let's go for a drive, uh

All my life, I've been waitin' for a good time, a good time

(Let me ride, let me ride)

All my life, I've been waitin' for a good time, a good time

So let me ride, let me ride

(Let me ride, let me ride)

All my life, I've been waitin' for a good time

So let's ride

Bitches know they can't catch me

(Vroom vroom) Cute, sexy and my ride's sporty

(Vroom vroom) Those slugs know they can't catch me

(Vroom vroom) Beep beep, so let's ride

(Vroom vroom) Bitches know they can't catch me

(Vroom vroom) Cute, sexy and my ride's sporty

(Vroom vroom) Those slugs know they can't catch me

(Vroom vroom) Beep beep, so let's ride

Let's ride

Let's ride

Let's ride

Let's ride

Bubblegum-pink Ferrari, yeah, I'm so bossy

Speedin' like Alonso just to crash your party

People are goin' loco when I'm pullin' up, takin' your puppy

Don't think about consequences, 'cause they're never gonna stop me, what?

All my life, I've been waitin' for a good time, a good time

(Let me ride, let me ride)

All my life, I've been waitin' for a good time, a good time

So let me ride, let me ride

(Let me ride, let me ride)

All my life, I've been waitin' for a good time

So let's ride

Bitches know they can't catch me

(Vroom vroom) Cute, sexy and my ride's sporty

(Vroom vroom) Those slugs know they can't catch me

(Vroom vroom) Beep beep, so let's ride

(Vroom vroom) Bitches know they can't catch me

(Vroom vroom) Cute, sexy and my ride's sporty

(Vroom vroom) Those slugs know they can't catch me

(Vroom vroom) Beep beep, so let's ride

Boom, boom, boom

Hear me comin' through the radio

Watch me go zoom, zoom, zoom

Try to catch me, but you're too slow

Boom, boom, boom

Hear me comin' through the radio

(No they can't catch me)

Watch me go zoom, zoom, zoom

(No they can't catch me)

Try to catch me, but you're too slow

Too slow, too slow."

Tobey starts to painfully animorph, screaming like an anal virgin— which he isn't, but we'll talk about that later— and once he’s fully human, he says in a fearful, ominous voice:

"She's here."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The chaos emeralds were safe. They were in Katya's basement. Well, it wasn't Katya's basement (it was Trixie Mattel's), but Katya lived there, no matter how many times she got exorcised. 

All of the sudden, Paul Rudd crawls through the basement window.

"Mister Rudd???” She says, in awe. “What do you want????"

"Those," He says, gravely, pointing at the chaos emeralds.

Katya bows her head in reverence. "Ok, anything for you, Paul Rudd."

He snatches them from her outstretched hands, cackling: "Haha you fucking Russian hooker you’ve been TRICKED."

"Wh-wha- Paul wha-"

Katya was DEAD !!!! And Paul eSCAPED !!!!!!!¡!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tobey and the gang sat in a circle. They needed to assemble a team,,,,,,,, a team of,,.,..,.,.,,..,

Earths Mightiest Heroes  (wink wonk)

When all of a sudden.....,,,.,,,.......

The tv was on with “pAul RuDd in JAIL?!???!???”

"The disturbing security footage shows none other than famous actor Paul Rudd stealing the chaos emeralds, and murdering famous drag queen Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova in cold blood. Viewers may find this footage disturbing," rambles the news lady, it goes on to show just that. Only one thing.

it wasn't Paul Rudd

The Gang™ was SHKOKOOOKETH!! how could they? But they did know it wasn't Paul. It wasn't Paul, it wasnt any of the chrises, it wasn't even three gators in a trenchcoat!

Who it is? Well, that comes later in this god forsaken story.

"Hhhhhh,,, if we don't do something, then Paul Rudd will rot in jail and  she  will have the chaos emeralds and then…..

Pizza time will never happen again!!!!" Tobey belts out nervously.

"Tobey-kun calm down !! :33"

"You crackwhore, you're making him more nervous."

"HEY!!! UR JUST JEAWOUWS !!!  💕💖✨ ~~~~~~"

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP DAMMIT! WE HAVE TO REASSEMBLE THE AUTOBOTS!!!!!"

"THE AUTOBOTS DONT EXIST ANYMORE TOBEY! NOT SINCE………

THE ACCIDENT!"

*Dun dun! Flashback scene! (U can tell cause it's in itallics and  bold!)*

"Oh no oh god! Oh no!"

"Haha WENCH you can't kill me. Not even all of the chaos gods can!"

"You are a chaos god! Just stop already!"

"With the chaos emeralds, I'll destroy all of you! Skskskksks-"

*Lizard noises*

*END OF FLASHBACK!!!*

"DONT.

REMIND.

ME.

OF.

THE.

ACCIDENT."

"Jesus Christ tobey, no need to-"

BANG!

"Oh FWUCK!"

Digorno's body hit the floor.

"Was she bothering you, tobey?"

Rachel Rosen Herself Struts Into The Hole In The Wall.

"Wh- How- When- You're back?????"

"Course I am."

"Is everyone else back too????? I thought you all died during  the accident !!!!!!!!"

"You were the only one afflicted by it. We all got out safely."


End file.
